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Greta Van Fleet
Battle at Garden's Gate
Review by Craig Leahy
Man, alright first thing we're gonna do is get all the frothy ass fucking boomers to sit down (be humble).
If you saw the band name just now and thought OH YEA GEDDEM FUCK GRETA VAN FLEET STUPID KIDS AREN'T EVEN LED ZEPPELIN, then you're the fucking problem man. Couple things to break-down in that - First of all, imagine not being okay with kids wanting representation in music, maybe they're inspired by how young these kids are and want to pick up a guitar? Honestly if my daughter came home with this album and was like "dad this shit goes hard as fuck" I would be SO fucking stoked that she was being inspired by guitar music with fuckin' guitarmonies and solos and shit, that rules man. I'd be straight out the door buying her a guitar and learning this album front to back to teach it to her.
So what if you hate these guys because they aren't Led Zeppelin, guess what, Led Zeppelin fucking sucks, now sit your clown-ass in the corner, I'll talk to you later.
Okay now that that's out of the way, I think I kind of hate this album, but it's complicated. Let's discuss.
What if Led Zeppelin grew up on the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
What does the soundtrack for a Mitsubishi Outlander driving through the hills commercial sound like?
Is boomer resentment when kids succeed super funny to everyone or just me?
Let's find out together
I know it sounds superficial, but there's ONE change that if Greta made then I'd probably spin this album every day for the rest of my life. There's not even CLOSE to being enough talk about dragons on this fucking album bro. Like, Game of Thrones is cringe as fuck, but Game of Thrones talk in metal is cool as hell, like just sing about dragons fucking up cities and that one knight having to go kick its ass and give it a talking to. I'm gonna prove my point here for a second, let's have a quick look at a section of lyrics then I'll go ahead and make them WAY better underneath.
"I can see the faces through the broken glass. No longer pass Looking at the sky, I see the city lights. But no star fights"
Now if they made me their producer
"I can see the faces burnt to shit. No longer pass Looking at the sky, I see this dragon, he's pretty big. But no knight fights, because dragons are hard as"'
See? Someone call Greta Von Hammer and get them to Venmo me $300. Tell them I changed their name to something way harder too. Thanks.
I think my second biggest problem with this album is that every song feels like the first half of Come Sail Away by Styxx but without the pay off of that big fuck off guitarmonies section at the end. There's parts where they ALMOST get there but the drummer just needs to go double time and fuckin' unleash, he clearly can - If you look at the fills on The Barbarians, they're tight as fuck, just do that for 10 mins man, that shit would slap. The back half of Broken Bells fucking rules actually too, without a doubt it's a highlight of the album, just go double time pleeeease.
Honestly though man, the keyboard player for Greta Thunberg needs to be the mayor of a city or something, he's SO fucking good man. Dude smashes out textures on a Hammond quite frequently and they're always the highlight of a song. If he ever does a solo album I'm up in there immediately.
Hot take - This album sounds like every song that Nick Andopolis' band in that TV show Freaks and Geeks plays in his dad's basement. That might not even be an insult tbh. That show fucking rules, I rewatched it recently and it still slaps.
I know I'm talking about the positives heaps after saying I kinda hate this album, don't worry buu, I got'chu. Most of the tracks on this thing are absolute throw away pieces of shit like "My Way, Soon" dude I can't even explain how much I hate this song, dude it's so fucking stupid. It sounds like all of the background music from every episode of Ice Road Truckers rolled into one stupid fucking song. On my first listen I had to skip this song man, coming off the back off the strong ass Broken Bells and The Barbarians this was a total momentum killer man. I think they thought the Z's in ZZ Top stood for Zoomers so they're paying tribute or some shit.
After this point in the album every single riff sounds exactly the same, it's all a pub jam session on a Tuesday night FULL of your classic Wellington punishers and I just wanna eat some chicken wings and talk a bit of shit with my friends, oh you have a tube screamer, cool I don't give a fuck bro. NO I don't want to jam with you, fuck, yea I got your invite to like your band on Facebook, NO I didn't accept and YES I fucking unfriended you immediately after.
If you're reading this, random boomers I don't know, stop fucking adding me. Facebook is for dummies and I only use it to talk to my mum, she rules.
Okay, just as I was about to accept my fate with the rest of this album, the straight up highlight of this album happened, a track called Age of Machine, dude it's like it was specifically designed to address every single one of my complaints! The drummer hits a couple double time sections, there's a fucking RIPPING guitar solo, keys going nuts, completely crushable chorus with fuckin' gang vocals too - Man, if they add dragons to the mix then I'm in. Dude actually, this song kicks ass. PLEASE do more of this, this sincerely rules. Oh my god when the bassist starts playing staccato on the outro, everything about this is cool as hell. Please go out of you way to listen to this song HERE, I genuinely think this is Greta Schlong Steamer 's odyssey.
I hope Greta Van Morrison keep going man, they're clearly getting better, and if they do more shit like The Barbarians, Broken Bells and the almighty Age of Machine then we could have a sick as hell band on our hands that we can then tell every boomer they're actually better than Led Zeppelin and I can't fucking WAIT to have that conversation with everyone's uncle.
The moral of the story? Let your kids listen to whatever the fuck they want, if some kid is enjoying this band on Twitter, don't fucking gatekeep them you sad loser. If someone somewhere is taking an interest in ripping guitar solos that aren't your exact taste, nurture them, don't send them a fucking Chuck Schuldiner guitar solo and insist that this is all that matters. God, Death isn't even that good. Keep your fucking opinions for your long-form chad reviews on your own website. Don't be a dick.
Best Track - Age of Machine
Best Lyric - "I can see the faces burnt to shit. No longer pass Looking at the sky, I see the this dragon, he's pretty big. But no knight fights, because dragons are hard as"
Rating - 3.49 angry Zeppelin fans out of 5- Officially the highest score I've ever given to a non- New Zealand album
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